"Let me know if you need anything"
It's such a common phrase people think is helpful to say. And yet it is so vague.
Anything you say? Do you really mean that? Would you come clean my toilets for me? Would you make me meals that I could actually tolerate eating? Would you help dress me on bad days? Or are you just saying it to be nice and don't actually mean it once I reach out?
While well intended, this is never actually a helpful phrase for someone with chronic illness.
Not only is it ambiguous, but it add more burden on the person you are trying to help.
Many times when someone is suffering from a chronic illness, they don't know what they need because they're stuck in survival mode. Being ambiguous adds another layer of mental workload to try and figure out not only WHAT they need help with (which again, making decisions in survival mode is extremely difficult because you get tunnel vision), but also now they need to figure out what they think you may be WILLING to help with. If someone has said this to you and it actually made you feel worse, it's not just you.
Here’s some tips if you are struggling with chronic illness or if you are trying to support someone with chronic illness.
When someone say this:
1. Clarify what they mean!
It is ok if your response to that is "what do you mean by anything?". Take the load off your mind and just ask!
2. If you feel this was an empty offer:
You might think they actually didn't mean it or you do not feel safe enough asking them for help, that's ok, too! Not everyone does actually mean it and not everyone is safe enough to ask for help. When I think of those who may not be safe to ask for help I think of those who typically may not believe you, maybe acquaintances you don't really know, or people you've asked help from in the past but ended up not actually being helpful.
3. Try to think of easy things someone might be able to do for you if offered.
Vacuuming, doing the dishes, sorting mail, helping fill out medical forms. Anything that you either can't seem to muster the energy for or takes all your energy to do. People are out there wanting to help, they just usually don't know how.
If you have said this to someone to try to be helpful, here’s some tips:
1. Don't say it unless you mean it.
Seriously! Especially if you don’t really mean ANYTHING!
2. Offer specific things you'd be willing to do for them:
Can I fold the laundry? Can I drop off a meal catered to your sensitivities? Is there something on your amazon wish list I could get to help you? Can I offer to pay for a cleaning service for you to ease some burden? Do you need help with any phones calls? Do you want any company or help with appointments? All of these are excellent examples of how someone can better offer help that is actually going to benefit who they are truly trying to support.
3. If you do say "let me know if you need anything", follow up with what you may be willing to do.
If this leaves you a bit stumped, imagine how the chronically ill person feels who is probably already currently in fight or flight due to their condition. When you think about it, most people do not mean that at all. For instance, someone who lives 3+hr away cannot fully mean "anything" . Because they live too far and likely have other responsibilities. That's not their fault or anyone's. And it doesn't negate the good intentions. It just means you have to be more specific. "Can I pay a bill this month?" "Is there a weekend coming up that may be helpful for me to stay with you?" "Is it ok for me to just regularly check in on you?" These are all great things to help!
4. Any support you offer, actually mean it!
Don't offer and then when taken up on it act like you are too busy. Unless a major life event happened, you offered and therefore you must make time. It took A LOT for the person to even accept help from you. And the reason they are asking is likely because they have no other choice and are desperate because their illness has taken over their life. While you claim to be "busy" with the normal, they are "busy" trying to survive and stay alive. So please, if you say you are busy after offering help, just think about that.
What are some good ways you've offered support in the past? What are some things you wish people would offer support with when you aren't feeling well living with a chronic illness?